Me: "Did you watch The Last Jedi without me?"
Mrs SOTL: "No, why?"
Me: "It's just that the bar was way over at the end of the film"
Mrs SOTL: "Ah! I gave your Disney+ password to Helen and she watched all the Star Wars films in order with Andy, that'll be why"
Me: "Oh, did you indeed?"
Mrs SOTL: "I wouldn't mind rewatching them all myself at some point"Twenty-four seconds later...
EPISODE I - THE PHANTOM MENACE
Going into this rewatch-athon I would have told anybody standing close to me that The Phantom Menace was the worst Star Wars film in the franchise - completely unwatchable and at least each episode of the prequels was better than the one before until you got to Revenge of the Sith, which was actually ok. Because of this firmly held opinion I've actually not watched The Phantom Menace properly very often, and certainly not for a long time. I've probably watched the Red Letter Media review more often than I have the film itself.
But you know what? For the first time ever I didn't hate it.
Maybe I'm mellowing in my old age but actually it was kind of ok, especially if you ignore all the bits with Jar Jar Binks who really is so bad that I was right to have forced myself to forget him.
But yeah, take Jar Jar out and whats left is clunky but well-intentioned, and almost works even if it never really gets going. The opening on the Trade Federation ship is workmanlike then the film all too rapidly veers off into Jar Jar land and only really recovers once everyone gets to Tatooine. I've never been in love with podracing as some are but it's some much-needed action in the middle of the film, and from there is moves swiftly enough to the final act. The climactic lightsaber battle is ok although the droids vs Gungans CGI has aged very badly.
Overall, though, I felt like I was suitably entertained for my two hours so maybe I've given Phantom Menace an unfair slaughtering up to now.
Jesus christ, though, Jar Jar was incredibly annoying. He really does only get worse with age.
Force Rating: 4/10 (a grudging 5/10 if you ignore Jar Jar)
EPISODE II - THE ATTACK OF THE CLONES
I was starting to get worried as the yellow text crawled up the screen at the start of Attack of the Clones. Everyone says it's the worst one but my memory was that it was ok. But my memory of Phantom Menace had been wrong so what was I about to let myself in for?
Oh my god this film is dire. I think what had happened is that I'd remembered all the interesting bits from Obi Wan Kenobi's trip to Kamino and his tussle with Jango Fett and blotted out everything else. But there's so much you need to forget. Anakin's lecherous attempts at flirting, Padme's 'oh what, how dare you find me attractive in this backless form-hugging dress?', the rubbish car chase, the droid assembly line so clearly inspired by some video game George Lucas had played the night before, the whole fumbled romance subplot, the CGI overload of the final battles.
I like Kamino and actually this film lays down an awful lot of the lore for what is to come like the Clones, the Death Star, Palpatine's manipulations to rule the Republic so it's a very important episode in the story. The actual experience of watching it happen is excruciating.
Seismic charges still go BWAAAAAANG really satisfyingly though. And Natalie Portman is nice to look at, so there's that too. So that's two points for Attack of the Clones...
Force Rating: 2/10
EPISODE III - THE REVENGE OF THE SITH
From the moment that Anakin finally picks his side and comes under the influence of Palpatine this film fairly rips along and the final act is really strong as we see the Republic consumed by the Empire. You get Cody's betrayal of Obi Wan, the Jedi falling one by one, the temple burned, Padme being spirited away by Senator Organa, and then the ultimate duels between Obi Wan, Anakin, Yoda and the Emperor.
Unfortunately up to that point in the film is consumed by one main problem: what THE FUCK is going on? At the end of Attack of the Clones we had Count Dooku scurry away to hide with Palpatine as the Clones routed the droids from Geonosis because they're a kick-ass Clone army of Boba Fetts. Now we drop into the start of Revenge of the Sith and suddenly the droids are in orbit over Coruscant and they've kidnapped the Emperor but now there's this Grievous guy in charge and who the hell is he?
 |
| I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you? |
TBH they already pulled this stunt once in Attack of the Clones when they introduced Count Dooku as the villain in the third act having spent the second act talking about somebody called Syfer Dias instead. It's just lazy deus ex mechanica plotting and here it is again. So it's all just a blur of names and situations and set pieces instead of a coherent overarching villainous plot across the films. And look, I imagine that if I'd watched all the Clone Wars cartoons and read all the books and done all the homework that George Lucas clearly expected me to have done then maybe I'd know the answers to all this... but I haven't, and neither has my wife. Instead I just had to shrug repeatedly at her questions and admit that, no, I don't know why anything is happening either.
Once Grievous is gone and Palpatine makes his play the second half of the film is much better, though.
Force Rating: 5/10
So that was the prequels and taken together as a body of work they're... soulless? Is that the right word? The Phantom Menace is slow going but the second two are so frenetic and yet somehow all the energy is seemingly misdirected rather than focused. Our primary protagonists are Obi Wan and Anakin but all their fantastic Jedi scrapes seem to revolve around them constantly making bad decisions and luckily bailing each other out all the time. Surely they train Jedi to do better than this? To think ahead before jumping headfirst out of the 356th storey window after a small drone, for instance?
And for a trilogy that really should ultimately be about a love story - a love that creates the rest of the Skywalker saga - the central romance and relationship is so terribly badly bungled at every turn. Anakin's uniquely charmless and unpleasent yet gets the girl anyway. Padme's character flips awkwardly and inconsistently into whatever she needs to be to service the plot - wise and decisive one minute, a giggling maiden the next then a simpering nothing in the final film as she's brushed aside by the plot completely. Now that she's pregnant with twins the plot has everything it needs from its only female character so after being a central force in the first two films Padme just sits and simpers in her room.
In truth there's not really much sense of characters or their personalities driving events through any of these films, they're just there to service the plot's inexorable march towards setting up the world that A New Hope will inherit. There was just a big checklist of facts and we've gone down it ticking them off one by one. It's filmmaking as a technical achievement, screenwriting almost more as an administrative function than an artform.
"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing." - Macbeth
Still, at least I've enjoyed them more on this rewatch than I have in the past. I can't go so far as to say that I actually like any of them, but I don't necessarily want those six hours of my life back. And at least my wife and I could look forward to much better films to come!
Next time: The Inbetweeners (Solo and Rogue One)....
